11.9.06

The only anniversary that I have that I hate.

I hate today. I really do. I'm torn between wallowing in pity and anger and trying to carry on. It's been five years since it happened. Each year does get better and the crying only happens when I see pictures from that day. The anger has subsided a bit, I can hear a certain language spoken and not want to turn around and grab them by the throat and choke the life from them. So, I guess that's a good thing?

I have managed to find humour from it though. In the months following "the day", I couldn't shop. I'm serious, I could walk into Nordstrom's or Barnes and Nobles and not buy a damned thing. That is SO not me! If I recall correctly, it took Yule coming upon us to actually get me to shop. Weird how tradegy affects us. My father would have sworn on his life that there was nothing on this planet that would prevent me from running my mouth on the phone or shopping. Sadly, he was mistaken.

I'm also very glad my father was not with us to witness that day. A child should never cross over before the parent. I think losing a son would have devistated him.

I don't think I mourn the loss of those that died, I think I mourn those of us that survived the loss of a loved one. Being a witch (pagan), I realize that death is not the end, that there is more to come. I'm pretty okay with death due to that. I realize that my brother moved on to bigger and better things. Of course, I have spent many hours wondering how he will reincarnate? I'm sure I will cross his path before I cross over, I'm just curious how it will be?

I do miss him though. He was my second oldest brother and was old enough to be a semi protector from the rest of them. He was "knight in shining armour #2" as I always told him. We weren't as close once he joined the Navy, but we still stayed in touch now and then.

He wasn't perfect by any means. He definitely had that "jet jockey" cockiness about him. He loved animals and he loved women. I have to give him that, he would have made a great husband one day. He was a fabulous Uncle and just a great friend. He had the snarkiest sense of humor and would keep me laughing for hours and not even understand why. He drove like a bat out of hell, collected speeding tickets like they were lottery tickets, appeared in front of one judge so many times, they started playing golf together. He preferred tea to coffee and absolutely adored lime marmalade. He always said he wanted to go down fighting. I wish he had gotten that one.

Well, at least I'll be able to communicate with him on Samhain, that's a blessing.

Okay, I've had my pity party and now I'm going to go bake a carrot cake. I bake when I'm depressed and it usually fixes it. I refuse to be depressed today because that would be giving in....and I just won't give them the satisfaction!

How do you say "SCREW YOU" in arabic?????

Posted by Ariadne @ 08:25

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*hugs Ari* Wish I could do more..

Posted by Blogger Mouse @ 9:26 AM #
 

*HUGS*

Posted by Blogger witchy @ 12:05 PM #
 
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